This is for the 37 short films (which are listed all the way bottom of this page) that Chaplin made for various studios from 1914 to 1919. Marlon Brando once said in his autobiography that Charlie Chaplin was the "most sadistic" person he had ever met. Every second spent watching his bullshit pictures is like being in the middle of Dante's Inferno. Nothing beats his stuff when it comes to being depressed and having suicidal thoughts.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is one of the worst pictures made. It's trash beyond trash and so poorly directed and edited that I had nightmares afterwards. The acting is across-the-board atrocious. Pure nonsense is the dialogue that's written by none other than the moron sock puppet named Roger Ebert. It's the single number one reason why I never read his reviews or believe any of the shit he says about cinema.

Every time Tim Curry shows up, I just want to punch him in the face. He's so grating that I've never liked him in anything else. The first ten minutes was going okay, and then the movie fell apart at the seams, making it hard for me to survive for more than five minutes at a time.

The Fifth Element is a headache-inducing sci-fi movie with performances that range from corny to excruciatingly bad. At the beginning, I thought I could stomach it all the way to the end, but when Chris Tucker entered into the picture, my eyes just couldn't take the torture anymore. As bad as he is, the special effects are horrible by the 90's standards. I mean it was released during the same year as Titanic. Now, what the fuck is that on Gary Oldman's head? It looks like a condom.

Phantom of the Paradise is one of the worst, dumbest, and stupidest movies ever made. What the fuck am I seeing? It's a terrifically bad remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I hate all of the characters. I hate the story. I hate everything. I fucking hate, hate, hate everything about the film. Everybody had way too much cocaine when they made it.

Crooklyn represents everything that's fundamentally wrong with Spike Lee. The story is god-awful, hitting the bottom point in terms of moral values while reaffirming the fact that many black children don't behave or speak properly like their white counterparts. The film's worst line is: "I hope we don't have to dress up for mommy's funeral." No wonder why she died. Wake the fuck up, Spike. This is not the 60's when he can pretend to be the Malcolm X of his race nowadays. What a fucking idiot he is.

Whoever did the editing for 2001: A Space Travesty is a fucking nut job. It's impossible to make any scene to register in my mind because they're all moving so fast that I have no idea what just happened. The back of the DVD cover claims the film is a "hilarious comedy that dares to spoof where no one's spoofed before: on another planet." Um, didn't Spaceballs do that already?

It doesn't take me long to label Eraserhead as one of the ten or fifteen worst films I've ever seen in my life. Making something abstract is one thing, but making it coherent is another thing. You just can't have the first one without the other. In fact, Eraserhead is the perfect kind of picture to attract idiot film students. The loud screeching noises coming from it was bothering my dog so much that I had to mute the TV.

What the fuck was going on in Gus Van Sant's head when he agreed to plagiarize Psycho? Not only Gus did that abominable piece of shit, but he also went an extra step further to insult Alfred Hitchcock by including a masturbation scene which is unexplainable. Everybody who was part of the remake should be shamed, and Vince Vaughn will burn forever in cinema hell for what he did.

One of the cameramen forgot a box of lenses prior to the cruise trip, and they filmed the whole thing with the wrong ones because everybody had to stay on the cruise from New Orleans to Cancun. Adam Sandler has publicly disowned the film ever since and is reportedly embarrassed for being associated with it. A rumor has circulated around the internet that he smeared a bed mattress with his feces during the filming. Now, I know what it's like to be seasick.

Congratulations to Jean Renoir for landing on my Worst Directors list. Boudu sauvé des eaux (Boudu Saved from Drowning) is among the worst movies I've ever seen. Reminding me of Charles Chaplin, Boudu is one of the most despicable, useless characters I've ever laid my eyes on. He should've been thrown into prison for various sexual offenses and rape.

Lengthy body falls, unexplainable explosions, and unintelligible storyline are among the features of this inexplicable mess. Larry Semen hogs all of the screen time as he manages to be the queencock of all assholes. Just looking at him, I can't help but be disgusted enough to beg for mercy. Thankfully, the movie bombed so badly that he died a few years afterwards.

I hate Dudley Moore, I hate Peter Cook, and they aren't funny. One thing I can guarantee you, Arthur Coyle Donan would've hated the movie with passion. My displeasure is further worsened by the endless strings of loquaciousness and disgusting water "jokes." By the time Sherlock Holmes met his mother, the scene killed any of the momentum, however little there was, it had going. From start to finish, not one single joke worked, and from start to finish, I yawned ceaselessly.

Yep, this is the worst Superman movie of all time. Nothing works. Every time a subplot occurs, I've forgotten what happened before that. If a Superman sequel is going to leave out Marlon Brando, Margot Kidder, Gene Hackman, Ned Beatty, and Valerie Perrine, then it's fair to say the franchise is over. Allowing Richard Pryor to play a crackhead doesn't help matters any.

The origin of why many Batman movies sucked over the years can be readily traced to this inferior original with Adam West and Burt Ward which is among the worst ever made. It's so unbelievably boring that I had to keep stopping the movie every two minutes to take a nap. The fight scenes look more fake than anything in American Ninja V and are stupid, lame, and corny. The mother of all turkeys, Batman gives a bad name to the word "camp."

A hybrid between Get Carter and a pick of any Ken Russell films, Performance is a good example that's a product of its time. Worse, it's an unwatchable mess of self-indulgence. I can hardly make heads or tails of the plot. In fact, there isn't any to speak of. No wonder why the androgynous-looking Mick Jagger didn't appear in a major picture again for many years.

Why did Curly Sue have to be made? What an awful film. I hate everything about it, and not for one second did I laugh throughout. James Belushi and Kelly McGillis are okay, but it's Alisan Porter whom I hate the most. She never appeared in another major film for the rest of her career. Thank goodness. The excessive amount of sugar she pours in will have been fatal.

Wow, watching Arthur has left me shocked enough to question how truly stupid the people were in 1981. Watching Dudley Moore attempt to roll off his feeble "jokes" (which are bad, bad, bad, bad!) while laughing maniacally, I was like, "Really?" From start to finish, the film is as unfunny as it can be, and I didn't laugh once. There's nothing comic about an alcoholic or drunk driving.

A Passage to India is one of the worst and most racist pictures ever made. The Indian stereotypes are appalling. Sickening to watch is the reduction of Dr. Aziz to some sort of caricature. Look at the Indian judge for the case, and look at the Indian lawyer friend of Dr. Aziz. Why...why...why use Alec Guinness, a white man doused in makeup, for an Indian? Hundred millions of Indians in the world, and they can't find one to play his character. Now, what the fuck is that on Alec's lips?

Let's all Do the Right Thing by not letting Spike Lee do any more films. Listening to the constant profanity, idiot talk, and illogical arguments isn't my cup of tea. All of the characters have third grade education, and I don't understand why I'm supposed to be interested in their problems. What kind of a moron muscles his way around to keep the 200 dB music blaring and do nothing productive all day? He, with his stupid gold, looks like a drug dealer and should be shot dead on the spot for being a fucking idiot.

If Josh said, "Your mother had sex with a robot. That's why you became a robot," Sam will believe it. If he said, "Your body is made of carbon fiber with a metal brain," Sam will believe it. "You have no penis and...," Sam will believe it all the same. They're the most depressing-looking kids, and I wonder if those actors had a happy childhood or that's how they appear daily. My prediction is Sam will commit suicide within 5 years while Josh shoots up heroin.

If a criminal feels compelled to use the insanity defense, I won't be surprised if it's centered around seeing The NeverEnding Story III. In fact, I encourage it. Bastian sucks. Falkor sucks. The rock baby sucks. The tree trunk character sucks. The little people suck. The sister sucks. Everybody sucks. I feel like pulling the cord as fast as I can to get my lawn mower revving, so I can get rid of the middle portion of Jack Black's eyebrows.

To be honest with you, I have no fucking clue what American Buffalo is all about. Effortlessly, the picture makes its way to my Worst Films list. All I can say to everybody is: slow the fuck down. But no...the dialogue must be delivered at a rapid machine-gun pace. Who the fuck cares if I can't comprehend any of it? Just keep going and make up shit. Dustin Hoffman won't shut the fuck up for a second. It's amazing how much he committed the rubbish bullshit to memory.

My goodness. Noises Off is an abominable, non-comedy picture about a play within the play. Everybody tries too hard but often comes off as theatrical. I should've known better that it was bound to stink because Peter Bogdanovich is the director. He hadn't done anything noteworthy since Mask in 1985.

The Trouble with Harry is awful, stupid, unbelievable, and moronic. There's no question that the movie was made for mental retards. Any reasonable person will know for a fact that a human corpse stinks bad, worse than any scent imaginable, but it, being dragged around all day, is going to attract people in the vicinity. Of the cast, I hate everybody, most especially Shirley MacLaine, and I also hate the plot.

Talk about a film that goes from one random scene to another. That's exactly how The Company of Wolves has been. So, what finally killed it for me? It's the stupid-looking boy with a dopey face. Whoever decided to cast Angela Lansbury as the grandmother should be fired from his job because that's as idiotic as it gets. When I saw Terence Stamp in the Rolls Royce, I thought he was going to ask, "Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?"

One Crazy Summer is an absurdly bad comedy with a set of wretched characters. I hate the story as equally as I hate everybody. The biggest joke is Bobcat Goldthwait who makes a total mockery out of himself and is thus embarrassing to watch. His antics makes me wonder if he's mentally retarded. Drop the last two words in the title One Crazy Summer, and that's the film's rating.

National Lampoon's Animal House, along with sport and campus rape cultures, represents everything that's wrong with the college scene today. That's why I don't feel sorry for anybody who died from alcohol poisoning or a stupid fraternity/sorority "prank." WTF is written all over the movie. There's not a single funny moment. Look at John Belushi. He's a fucking idiot, and he died like a fucking idiot. Good fucking riddance.

Carbon Copy is one of the most racially offensive movies made. Denzel Washington had to take the role in order to move up the ladder before he would be Denzel Washington as we know him today. To this day, he won't talk about the film. What's surprising is the year the film was made in. I thought Hollywood was wise enough to move past the point. Worse yet, it was directed by a black director.

Because Labyrinth was directed by Jim Henson, I figured the movie couldn't be bad. Wrong. It's bad. Not only that, but it's also boring. Nothing works. The characters are ugly, and I hate them all. Nobody can act. The plot sucks. It's like being in Waldo's World. Excuse me, is that David Bowie's penis showing through his extremely tight spandex pants? It looks like he had an erection for appearing in a children's film.

"Catch the excitement. Catch the adventure. Catch the Hawk. Bruce Willis. Hudson Hawk." What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis? Bruce Willis, with all of his four gold looped earrings, actually thought he could write a story? Ha, that's a laugh! It's impossible to follow the ridiculous plot or what everybody is doing or saying. Basically, anything goes in spite of rationality. Oh, yeah. Bruce? Just one thing: wipe that stupid smirk off your face.

Wow, is Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation the worst ever? In the midst of a dense fog, Matthew McConaughey constantly screams and loses his shit. It's highly doubtful he was in the right frame of mind. That stupid mechanical leg of his has to be one of the most bizarre ever conceived in movie history. So is the moment when a plane came out of nowhere to kill his character. Everybody involved with this crap was either mentally unstable or on drugs.

The Man Who Fell to Earth is the Zabriskie Point of the sci-fi genre. Watching David Bowie is like looking at an inanimate marble. In fact, he was high on cocaine throughout the filming. David Bowie squeezing his tits is considered as profound? He putting the gun's barrel in a glass of wine and then sucking it is the stuff of brilliance? Hence, I laugh at anybody who thinks The Man Who Fell to Earth is good or even amazing.

The biggest mistake is the casting of Lee Reyes as the unlikable Hiro. Therefore, the film is about Joe and Hiro. Joe is always saving Hiro. But why? I don't care about him. When the kid is finally allowed to learn the secrets of ninjistu, he becomes a ninja overnight and looks adept at it even though he couldn't handle nunchunks two days before.

Who Is Harry Kellerman and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me? And my answer to that question is: "Who the fuck cares?" What a long title. By the way, that Barbara Harris' Oscar-nominated performance? It's the very definition of the most fake, hokey acting.

DreamWorks, which is co-run by Steven Spielberg, financed The Love Letter. He's married to Kate Capshaw. Now, you see how that old hag found work in Hollywood. Of course, this stinker lost over $12 million at the box office. The back of the DVD cover for The Love Letter claims to feature an all-star cast. Uh...no.

Full of poor characters, unintelligent story, and "yeah, right" moments, Child's Play 2 is a terrible piece of crap that's a stupid waste of time. Once is enough, but twice is going too far. Why is the doll remade? What's the significance of that? Oh, yes...to make an ungodly amount of money from the sequels. Guess what? I still don't believe Andy, either.

Really, really, really, really...awful! There's no saving this unintelligent piece of shit that's called The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. The dialogue is terrible with little horror. Instead, I'm treated to many long camera shots. There's no way the killers' hideout would've been cleaned up in a matter of hours. Speaking of the littered bodies, they must emit a foul smell that'll radiate all over the great state of Texas.

Clueless is another mindless dud in Alicia Silverstone's résumé. Totally clueless, Amy Heckerling cannot direct. Now outdated, the film is about fake people whom I don't give two shits about. My mind started to melt ten minutes into it, and by the time the show ended, it was already dead from a nuclear holocaust.

"Quick, Watson...the hypodermic needle! For I need to shoot myself up with cocaine." It's what the real Sherlock Holmes would say if he saw this. At least, the film isn't as dreadful as The Hound of Baskerville with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Yet it's billed as a comedy, so where are the jokes? What exactly do people see in Gene Wilder? When has he ever been funny? I suppose they like him groping women's breasts all the time.

Did they blatantly rip off the idea from A Hard Day's Night featuring the Beatles? The problem with the five females is they're virtually indistinguishable, at least from a personality standpoint. Not only that, but the editor also has to make rapid cuts by going from one character to another, therefore making for a disorientating film. As a result, it has been a madcap of pure nonsense.

Whoever thought Ryan Phillippe could act needs to have his head examined. Mixing Dangerous Liaisons with high school setting is inappropriate. That much is evident by the hard-to-swallow dialogue. You're better off seeing the cinematic version of Choderlos de Laclos' epistolary novel starring John Malkovich and Glenn Close.

Great balls of fire, what the hell was the poor man thinking? I can't believe that John Travolta still defends his work to this day. Apart from the money, the only reason for doing the film is that he, a long-time Scientologist, wanted to make a film that's based on a novel by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. At any rate, Battlefield Earth deserves a place in cinema hell as one of the most famous bad movies ever made.

The British voted The Italian Job as one of the best movies made, and that tells me a lot about their intelligence. It's so boring that I have dozed off many times. Hence, the movie should be called The Doze Job. The plot is retarded and predictable. If Michael Caine's character plans to rob a huge sum amount of money, why does he hire idiots? Poor jokes are in abundance throughout the film, and many of them have me constantly saying, "I don't get it."

Oh, my goodness...Duck Soup is a stupid movie. No wonder why pseudo-intellectuals who haven't the foggiest idea what humor is love this one. Unsurprisingly, Duck Soup was a box-office failure in 1933, almost bankrupting Paramount, because the moviegoing public knew better to avoid it.

Proclaimed as the best Sherlock Holmes film ever made, Murder by Decree is a fraud. I read all of the stories penned by Arthur Conan Doyle, and I know what Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are. That wasn't either in the movie. Christopher Plummer needs to give it up and read the book for real. James Mason should've retired from acting altogether.

It's finally over. Seven Police Academy movies. That's too many. Save for Captain Harris' makeup while pretending to be a ballet dancer, nothing works in Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. According to IMDb, "Ron Perlman (Konstantine Konali) considered his work on this movie 'a public service' by shutting down the Police Academy movies for over two decades. Perlman said, 'I'm not going to apologize. I did that piece of shit.'"

All the more reason to hate Wes Craven, The Serpent and the Rainbow is another failure in his oeuvre. I mean, what was that? An anthropologist going to Haiti in an attempt to procure a medicine that'll work wonders on zombies, and this is based on a true story? This movie is more like a seminar for the alchemists.

If you need a reason to make the statement that "Chick Flicks Suck," look no further than Stool Boognolias. Instead of one, there are six prima donnas in the cast: Julia Roberts, Olympia Dukakis, Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Daryl Hannah, and Shirley MacLaine. Each has a string behind her back, and one single pull has her screaming, "Look at me! Look at me! I am the Queen of the South!" again, again, and again.

If there's an easy candidate for the most overrated picture ever, it's Dr. Strangelove. I saw the film a long time ago and hated it, and trying again, I wasn't sure if I was not intelligent enough to "get" the movie. Well, it's true: Dr. Strangelove is that overrated. Advertised as a comedy picture, it's not. I don't feel like I've missed any cue as every attempt at humor falls flat.

Army of Darkness is the third film of The Evil Dead trilogy and is the silliest of them all. Even the poster on right is equally ridiculous. There's neither sense nor sanity throughout the picture, forcing me to say to myself every ten minutes: "What the fuck?" The plot only borders on the idea of Ash taking Book of Dead without saying the words. So, think about it: if the book is right there, should the Deadites take it as easily in the first place, thus avoiding the entire mess?

No...no...no...the horror. Nothing works in The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. It's a train wreck of a picture. What the hell was Tony Curtis thinking when he agreed to appear in this steaming pile of crap? I've been clueless as to why the team had earned the privilege to travel to Japan to play a meaningless game with tons of dollars wasted to make it happen.

Imagine my surprise when I came across a VHS copy of An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn at a flea market. It was like finding plutonium in the middle of a godforsaken desert. The comments "Hilarious!", "Outrageous!", and "One of the funniest movies in ages!" are splattered all over the cover. What the fuck are they talking about? It's nothing but a soporific dreck that revolves around the missing reel of an upcoming crappy Hollywood blockbuster.

Dang...how bad is Clue? It's about a fine board game that's shamed to smithereens. In fact, the title should be changed to The Colleen Camp's Breasts Show because that's what the movie has been. Sadly, the filmmakers forgot the board game was meant to be family fun by opting for the overly sexist tone.

A lot of people like Gene Wilder, but to be honest with you, I've never thought of him funny. Therefore, Gene Wilder has always been an overrated comedian. Haunted Honeymoon is proof positive because he wrote the screenplay, directed the movie, and starred in it. So...where's the comedy? What a stupid idiot. Instead of finding out whether his tie is straight or not, he should've asked, "Does my movie suck?"

The 80's was a decade of countless awful, corny films that were filled with bad fashion, retarded ADHD mannerisms, chopped-up hairstyles, mindless music numbers, and loud colors. Teen Witch is no exception. It's also one of the worst, cheesiest pictures I've seen. The idea of drinking a glass of hydrogen peroxide and dealing with the Poison Control Center afterwards is more exciting than going through this film again.

Snow Falling on Cedars was so pretentious that I kept falling asleep after five to ten minutes every single time, and I finally finished the film a month later. Hence, the appropriate title should be Sleep Falling on Eyelids. No wonder why I had never heard of the movie until spotting it at the library due to Ethan Hawke. Years later, he recalled his time as "not a great acting experience."

It's not that Re-Animator is offensive and tasteless but is rather an unintelligent picture. To add more to my misery, it's a boring movie to sit through. There are so many unethical moments that I'm supposed to believe they commonly occur to those who work in the medical field. For starters, Herbert West probably killed a doctor somewhere in Europe, but why wasn't he prosecuted for it? How could he be admitted to a medical school afterwards?

The formula is in. I repeat, the formula is in for the franchise. Find an annoying young boy and designate him as the cult leader. Make sure there are a lot of cornstalks around. Let the children follow the leader while he spews out some of the most ridiculous religious lines ever. Finally, the plan goes up in flames by the time the leader is ready to cross the Rubicon for the glory of it all. At the end, of course...nothing bad ever happens.

The biggest WTF moment of The Prophecy 3: The Ascent is when Christopher Walken was driving a convertible car with no windshield while playing the trumpet. My sole thought during that moment was: "Why is he wasting his time with this trash?"

My head still shakes in disbelief, befuddlement, and shock all rolled into one. Marlon Brando was a sex symbol in A Streetcar Named Desire and then reaffirmed it in On the Waterfront. Fast-forward to The Island of Dr. Moreau forty years later, he's a 500-pound indescribable vat of Larry Drake ugliness. Not only that, but Brando has also lost his mind for good.

The title of Frogs for Snakes says it all. Who the hell thought Amos Poe could direct? Every time somebody did a monologue from a film, I would end up cringing so hard. When John Leguizamo, after listening to Barbara Hershey, said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard, I just wanted to shoot him in the head right there.

The 6th Man is a hard picture to watch because it says cheating is okay as long as nobody is hurt in the process and doesn't teach moral lessons, either. The movie also depicts selfish individuals who make me sick to my stomach. Things are worse, given between five and ten million spectators for NCAA basketball, there's not a single skeptic pointing out how everything looks out of place.

Does anybody realize Grosse Pointe, Michigan, is a notorious sundown town? So, why make a movie that takes place there? Anyway, the trouble with John Cusack is that he plays the same character over and over. He also has no versatility and tends to rely on his blank stare which are piss-holes in the snow (thanks for that, Michael Caine).

The first twenty minutes of Fury forced me to turn off the TV four times. It was so bad, corny, and saccharine that I couldn't stop rolling my eyes. There are so many leaps in logic that the entire story is farfetched to be believable. The court case incenses me, hence the title Fury. It has nothing to do with the facts or how I felt about either side. It's just that my intelligence was being insulted constantly, no matter what.

Judgment at Nuremberg is a misleading film in many ways. At first, I thought it was going to be semi-documentary based on the actual events, but it turns out to be a fictional account of the actual trial. Second, I thought it was going to be about the trial of twenty-two famous Nazi defendants including Hermann Göring. Alas, it's not. Rather, the movie is about the trial of the judges of the Third Reich. How boring.

Boy, Julia Roberts...if her character is the one who's instead dying young, I'll have said, "Good! Let her." She's incapable of displaying anything that's human through her face. Only two possible acting techniques she has in her very tiny repertoire are a sarcastic look and a feigned concern. I wonder who thinks Julia Roberts is an attractive-looking woman. Please, she's far from it.

Robin Wright Penn is bad as in Julianne Moore/Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman bad. Speaking of gross, I can't believe how much her character poisoned her fetus with so much alcohol, tobacco, and drugs. Then, I'm insulted when it turns out to be a healthy baby. Uh, uh...that never happens in real life as she should've had full-blown Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

After finishing Mo' Better Blues, the first thought that came to my mind is: "No mo' films from Spike Lee ever again." There's nothing to like about it which has no story and is too long. I can think of at least ten films per decade that have touched the same topics. Most of all, I'm tired of Spike Lee pulling out the race card. Enough already.

*yawn* Um, check please. I have a good sense of humor, knowing what's funny and what's not. But Life of Brian isn't what I call a funny movie. After I started playing it, I waited for a long time to laugh. At the half-hour mark, I fell asleep. At the hour mark, I was gasping for air. At the 70th minute mark, I was counting sheep. At the 80th minute mark, my mind died from the medieval torture. At the 90th minute mark, I was left practically dead.

Alphabet City represents everything that's wrong with an 80's film. What I see instead is lights, lights, and more lights. It has been purple, pink, green, orange, purple, pink, yellow, orange, purple, pink, green, orange, purple, pink, yellow, purple, pink, green, orange, purple, pink, and yellow. These lights are so distractingly bright that they have to be right in the center for every shot.

The Principal is one of the sorriest films made. Filled with many useless scenes and hokey dialogue, the plot is improbable, and the principal should've died on the first day of his new job after pulling off the illegal stunts. Additionally, his behavior is so inappropriate that it's grounds enough for termination. One reviewer remarked all of the characters were underdeveloped which is true.

That's the last of the crap. RoboCop 3 has left me brain-dead at the end. It's hard to believe this is the same guy who did The Monster Squad: Fred Dekker. Unsurprisingly, he never directed again afterwards. Frank Miller needs to stay away from movies altogether because all he does is produce works of shit. To paraphrase the titular character in Oliver!: "Please sir, I want no more."

Whatever you do, don't ever watch Lethal Weapon 4. You'll end up hating it with passion. I noticed something else: characters who survived the previous film would stay on for the next one and also for the duration of the franchise. In Lethal Weapon 4, the cast has gotten so bloated that Richard Donner is still addicted to having more on board. Even the movie poster on right looks crowded.

Paraphrasing Leonard Matlin, Petulia is "one of the decade's worst films." To be honest with you, I haven't the foggiest clue what the plot is about. It appears to be about the problems that plague the superficial, pretentious rich folks. Julie Christie, the über whore of the 60's, fails to capture my interest. As always, her acting leaves a lot to be desired. And what's George C. Scott doing in this? It's a true waste of his talent.

Rubbish and stupid, Big Trouble in Little China is a schlock film by John Carpenter's standards with Kurt Russell giving the worst performance ever. The lead star should be embarrassed of himself for playing a fake character. The thespians speak their lines one by one in an orderly fashion as if they're in a staged play. It grows worse and worse over time, cementing this crapfest as a trashy Oriental wannabe fantasy-comedy flick.

Quick! What's the first thing that comes to your mind about Batman & Robin? If you said, "Nipples," then yep...you are correct. Fans of the franchise have universally voted Batman & Robin as the worst Batman movie of all time. Joel Schumacher goes overboard with the use of colors. I can imagine him trying to decide: "What color should I use? Is red good? Or yellow? How about a pitch of orange and some purple? I feel blue. No! Yes! No! More green! No! More yellow!"

Ah, Virginia, but the story of Shakespeare in Love takes place in 1593 and the colony didn't exist until 1607. Ah, Shakespeare is single and in love with a rich lady, but the real playwright had a wife and three kids. If you ask me to name some of the worst Best Picture winners ever, Shakespeare in Love immediately comes to my mind. It's that bad. Hence, Saving Private Ryan should've won.

Tralala yells to everybody within earshot that she has the "best tits in the western world!" This was a scene from Last Exit to Brooklyn. What a terrible film. All of the characters are so unlikeable that I've quickly lost interest. Whatever the crap they were doing, I was having none of it and couldn't wait for the movie to end. Where was police the entire time? It's unrealistic.

If I thought Alien 3 was that bad, Alien: Resurrection is infinitely worse. Nothing works. Setting the record for having an ensemble of the worst thespians alive (Dan Hedaya, Brad Dourif, Ron Perlman, and Winona Ryder) in the same film is too much. Did Sigourney Weaver come back for the money? Is that the reason why? The idea of cloning her character from the dead by blood is ludicrous.

Ivan the Terrible, Part Two (Ivan Groznyy II: Boyarsky zagovor) is beyond terrible. Not only is the movie impossibly incomprehensible, but it's also impossibly and incomprehensibly boring! The editing is clumsy, the acting is laughable, and the material is poorly put together. It's like watching a silent film but with sound. I kept yearning for the end of it all for the love of humanity.

There's a long dragged-out sequence of ridiculousness and pointlessness in Zabriskie Point with the last ten minutes of stuff being repeatedly blown up in a slow-motion at different angles before closing out with a sunset. I had been wondering the whole time: was Michelangelo Antonioni mentally retarded? Also, did he watch 2001: A Space Odyssey and Easy Rider too many times and try to emulate them?

There's no plot to speak of. The crazy nun angle is too far left-field to believe. Undeveloped characters come out of nowhere and then disappear for good. Casting Jean Simmons, an Anglo-Saxon, as the whitewashed Indian is a racist gimmick. Even her character is a farce to watch. One billion Indians, and the producers can't find somebody to take her role?

I knew a kid in middle school who liked to make figures out of aluminum foil, and when I saw his finished products, I had no idea what the hell they were supposed to be. But in his mind, he saw something that was fascinating. So, I figured he was on another planet. It's exactly how I felt about Nightbreed.

Looking at the title Forces of Nature on the DVD cover and then up to see who the stars are, the disclaimer "Caveat Lector" should've been inserted right in the middle of these two. Then, at below, a critic called it: "Outrageously funny!" Oh, really? Then, my middle finger is very extended at his face to show him what I think of the movie.

Masterpieces, I have seen. Good films, I have seen. Turkeys, I have seen. But when it comes to Blue Steel, there's no explanation. Hands down, Blue Steel is one of the worst, stupidest pictures I've seen in my life. The movie reeks of horrid...I mean really, really horrid...acting. Jamie Lee Curtis fails the eye test miserably for a female in blue. Ron Silver...wow, he gets my vote as the most annoying, unattractive, schizophrenic psycho with hideous-looking teeth.

Now now now, what...the hell...is this? Absolutely bored to tears while watching The Smokers, I stretched out my arms like they had never been stretched before. It has no story only to depend on a gimmicky feel that chicks with guns are chic. Attempting to trigger a fire alarm, one girl holds a lighter to the smoke detector before falling down and is thus trapped in the bathroom. But stuck how? Many of the scenes don't connect or flow well; all I see is the characters' worthlessness.

Damn...Charlie the Idiot was at it again: making more junk films. The Great Dictator is one of them. I can imagine after surviving the Holocaust, the Jews grabbed some beers and laughed uproariously at The Great Dictator. Of course, Charlie said he made the film to create awareness. Well, it didn't do anything for world peace or whatever the hell it was he was trying to accomplish. So...an epic fail!

I honestly can't stand Federico Fellini. Here's a trivia taken from IMDb for 8½: "All of a sudden, during the celebration, he [Fellini] got a new idea: his film would have told about a film-director who was going to direct a film, but he forgot what it was about." Exactly...exactly... 8½ is strictly for the pseudo-intellectuals.

Let's play a game. Take the word "blue." What is a homophone of it? The word is "blew" which is the past tense of "blow." What rhymes with "blow"? Of course, it's "slow." Hence, Trois couleurs: Bleu is just that. Let me save you the suspense: nothing—absolutely nothing—ever happens in the film. Zero. Zilch. Zippo. "Mysterious...Sexy!" *yawn* Yeah, sure...

"SEVEN again...MAGNIFICENT again!" What in the Sam Hill are they talking about? I only see Yul. Not only is Return of the Seven one of the worst sequels, but it's also one of the worst films made. The title is misleading because only one is actually back, prompting a sensible change in the title: Return of a Seventh of the Seven. When Chris Adams said the name Vin, I, putting a cupped hand to my forehead, was like, "Where? I don't see Steve."

The description of Les paumées du petit matin (The Escapees) reads: "After escaping from an insane asylum, two women fall in with a troupe of erotic dancers and embark on a surreal journey full of sex and violence." It sounds cool, huh? Well, no. More of a film school art project, it has the worst of everything: acting, dialogue, plot (which is zero anyway), pace, direction, characters, and scenes, among others.

Well, talk about having great instincts. George Clooney appeared in the first ten minutes of Return to Horror High and walked out of the set forever, leaving behind his character to be killed off. The rest of the film fell into an indescribable mess. Nothing makes sense. It's just one random scene to another, resembling the worst of Plan 9 from Outer Space. In fact, Return to Horror High is probably the Plan 10 from outer space.

Do you ever get the feeling of working on a jigsaw puzzle with none of the pieces fitting together? That's what happened in The January Man. It's not the kind of film that's "so bad that it's so good" or "so bad that it's bad" but rather "so stupid that it's so ridiculous." Indeed it is. The bizarre murdery mystery plot has to be seen to believe.

File John Carpenter under "What the Heck Happened to Him?" He used to churn out the best stuff during the late 70's and most of the 80's and then fell off the map. Finally, John resurfaces with a crappy film that's nowhere near his usual standard, and it's Village of the Damned. As a matter of fact, I prefer this title: Village of Jor-El's Damned Children.

If the title is The Curse of the Cat People, then I must ask this question: where are the cats? The sequel has nothing to do with the original and is more of a remake than a continuation. Speaking of tragedy, how about Oliver? Some Father of the Year he is. The ending is the final nail in the coffin when Oliver lied to his daughter that he saw her imaginary friend. By the way, the old woman needs to shut the hell up, drink a lot more liquor, and pass out for good.

The Innocents is a snoozefest that's filled with bad acting, lame storyline, and annoying children. I couldn't wait for it to end which took me an entire week with lots of pauses when the sheer amount of boredom was getting to me. All Deborah Kerr (can you say...old?!?) can do is keep her mouth and eyes wide open. And she calls it "acting"? O...kay.

The Don't Fuck With Chuck series continues, and this time, it's Invasion U.S.A. which is one of the most brain-dead action films I've seen. It goes without saying the thespians were at the nadir of their careers when they agreed to do this. When I saw the number of men coming out from the boats, I laughed and was like, "Are you fucking serious?" Does the movie expect me believe a good thousand of men can conquer the United States of America whose population was two hundred something million during the middle 80's?

Instead of going on a camping trek to document a local legend, the three characters argue among themselves like fucking crybabies who haven't a goddamn clue about camping. They bitch, moan, and whine about the conditions and being lost in the woods. I was like, "Can you just calm down and shut the fuck up?" Most of the time, I had been wishing for them to die horribly by the manner of Deliverance.

*face palm* There's a small concept called "story." If it doesn't exist, there's no movie. Apparently, everybody associated with City Dragon hadn't heard of it. Instead, I'm treated to 100 minutes of rapping dialogue, soft porn, and a lot of nothing. Oh, yeah...there's martial arts stuff thrown into the mix, but it's few and far between.