On G List of Movie Reviews

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Guarding Tess (1994)

Rate: 1
Viewed: 6/25

GuardTess
6/25: I hate Shirley MacLaine with passion.

Because of Nicolas Cage, I've tried to see the positive in Guarding Tess, but Shirley MacLaine is so overpowering that it's among the worst films I've seen in my life. Her character makes me sick and is simply a waste of resources and money. The situations she creates are befitting of a ten-year-old crybaby.

The story is stupid that's made especially so in the last twenty minutes. No one in the history of United States has ever targeted a First Lady for assassination, let alone kidnapping. What's the point of that? She's fucking useless. At the end, upon finding Shirley MacLaine explicably buried six feet under, Nicolas Cage should've said, "Good! Let her. Now, my job is over, and I can go back to real life, the kind that matters."

Two producers said separately, "The humor of this film comes from rich, complex character," and "The relationship is between two people you really do care about and have a good time with." Wrong-o! Imagine Nancy Reagan, Hillary Clinton, or Jill Biden in Tess' place. Absolutely not...she should be shot in the head.

All in all, Guarding Tess belongs in the dumpster along with Shirley MacLaine.