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Near Dark (1987)

Rate: 3
Viewed: 7/12

NearDark
7/12: I remember this trashy flick during the heyday of HBO, especially when the kid spray-painted the station wagon windows all black.

After seeing it again, Near Dark is still the same typical vampire film that tries too hard to separate from the pack but fails. In fact, I'm not sure what the fascination is with vampires, and they still make these pieces of crap to this day. Is there anything so remotely interesting that I haven't seen before since Bram Stoker wrote Dracula? It's like I have to have a checklist of vampire "do's and don'ts" for each film to make sure it passes the eye test. But incredibly, Near Dark comes up short.

Let's talk about the sun first. The rays are so strong that they're capable of inflicting an extensive amount of damage. That's why people are sunburned easily. Forest fires can be triggered at any moment's notice. A simple concentration through eyeglasses on an object is enough to start a fire. It only takes eight minutes for the sunrays to reach Earth.

However, in Near Dark, it takes a long time to kill vampires. Their deaths should've been instant as in seconds, not minutes. There are enough holes for the sun to come through, yet the vampires are still unaffected? Yeah, right. No matter how much clothes cover a person, the sunrays are too strong to penetrate through, enough to kill a vampire within seconds.

Now, we have the biggest rulebreaker of them all, and this one may take the cake for it. I've read the book by Bram Stoker. Now, this is the original source, and there have been others before it. But this is the original. Now, remember when Lucy Westenra was bitten and then laid on the bed. Then, Dr. Van Helsing and Lucy's potential suitors drew up their arms for blood transfusion to save her life. It helped her stay alive yet did nothing to change her back to a human being. But in Near Dark, the opposite actually happens! I'm surprised to see this.

Despite the logic problems, I was hoping the filmmakers acquired enough wisdom to understand the vampires' instinct for survival. Therefore, having lived this long, aren't vampires supposed to plan ahead of time to prevent themselves from being burned to a crisp instead of doing things at the last minute? Meanwhile, an interesting sight is the all-star cast from Aliens: Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, and Jenette Goldstein. Michael Biehn almost came close to be part of it, too. It has everything to do with Kathryn Bigelow who's James Cameron's ex-wife.

All in all, Near Dark is a wannabe vampire film that's strictly for near idiots.