On S List of Movie Reviews
(For optimum viewing, adjust the zoom level of your browser to 125%.)
Star Wars: Episode I -
The Phantom Menace (1999)
Rate:
2
Viewed:
6/17
6/17
For eighteen years, I avoided watching Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace because I was
simply...not...interested.
All I heard about it was the hate for Jar Jar Binks. I never knew who that was and had no idea what he looked like.
After I started the movie, I felt like vomiting, especially when Jar Jar Binks showed up.
Now, I don't consider myself as a racist person, but I have to say this: Jar Jar Binks acts like a foolish black person in a
minstrel show, speaking some of the worst made-up language I've heard in movie history. There's absolutely no way he
would've been accepted in any elite circle, let alone be granted a generalship.
As for the story, I'm sorry to say...it just sucks. The dialogue makes no sense whatsoever. This is an excerpt of the
opening crawl: "Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in
dispute." Taxation??? Oh, my goodness. Who the fuck cares?!?
About five percent of the current sequel is somewhat related to the original trilogy. The rest is fluff to show off George
Lucas' masturbation of CGI effects. In fact, the entire movie, which is aimed at kids aged 10 and under, looks like a huge
video game with the intention of selling toys. Thankfully, Liam Neeson got me through the ordeal. He's a good actor,
but I'm shocked that he went from Oskar Schindler to this turd in six years' time. Something has to be said about pride.
The same goes for Samuel L. Jackson and Terence Stamp.
I guess many die-hard Star Wars fans felt immense jealousy when they found out an
8-year-old boy named Jake Lloyd was chosen to play Anakin Skywalker. Well, they can take solace in the fact that he
retired at the age of 12 and is currently dealing with paranoid schizophrenia, being in and out of jails and psychiatric
hospitals while turning himself into an ugly-looking dude. By the way, what the heck happened to his hair toward the
end of the film?
As for Jake Lloyd's acting, I have to say he wasn't good and got worse over time; clearly, he was chosen for his looks.
I can't seem to shake off the moment when he went "Yippee!" in one scene. I mean, this is Darth Vader we're talking
about. Not to worry, Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman are awful, too, having no business to appear in a
Star Wars film.
I don't get the point of Darth Maul. He has that cool face-painting going on and shows up randomly in several scenes. Then, he
has a lasersaber battle with two Jedi Knights but loses and is forever dispatched. There's not a single shred of
character development within him, and he barely speaks which is no more than three lines in total.
Additionally, I don't get the concept of prequels. It's been a 22-year absence between
Star Wars and the first episode. It's like technology had advanced so much in the
beginning that everything went backwards by the time the main characters appeared in Episode IV. What gives? Plus, there's
no suspense whatsoever because I know what happened to everybody. By the way, Darth Vader never acknowledged R2-D2 or
C-3PO at any point.
All in all, it wasn't Jake Lloyd but George Lucas who ruined Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace while the
trailer fooled everybody back then.