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The Black Dahlia (2006)

Rate: 1
Viewed: 7/08

BlackDahlia
7/08: The sport of decathlon should add one more Herculean event: watching a bad movie nonstop for at least two hours without falling asleep.

To start it off, I suggest The Black Dahlia. Every minute or so, I would do three things in no particular order: check my watch, ask myself "What the fuck is going on?", and pray for the DVD player to break down. Poor acting, plodding pace, irrelevant subplots, extravagant interior sets, pathetic imitation of the neo-noir style, hokey dialogue, millions of cigarettes, aimless direction, and nonsensical plot are among the chief problems.

Sporting a long résumé of appearing in worst pictures, Josh Hartnett continues to suck like never. Scarlett Johansson can't act well enough to save her life and looks stupid wearing a heavy red lipstick while showing off her oversized breasts. Aaron Eckhart overacts while trying too hard to be the next Jeff Bridges.

The Black Dahlia isn't a neo-noir but a fraud noir. In every scene, a character tries to be hip by emulating the 40's pictures by taking out a cigarette from the silver case, playing with it a bit before lighting it, and pretending to be cool while blurting out wannabe words.

Every time a subplot is being played, I think to myself, "Okay, a girl is murdered," then "okay, there's a love triangle," then "okay, the mother is crazy," then "okay, the father is Noah Cross," then "okay, they're promoting war bonds," then "okay, he's interested in the other girl," then "okay, Waldo is somewhere," then "okay, we can't find Waldo," and finally "okay, fuck Waldo because I'm totally lost."

All in all, I should be awarded a gold medal for having sat through the torturous junk that's called The Black Dahlia.