On D List of Movie Reviews

(For optimum viewing, adjust the zoom level of your browser to 125%.)



The Da Vinci Code (2006)

Rate: 4
Viewed: 2/22

DaVinci
2/22: The Da Vinci Code is an underwhelming mystery thriller about some religion conspiracy.

I'll save you the suspense and therefore two and half hours of your time: (1) Mary Magdalene is Jesus Christ's wife, not his mother; and (2) The female lead is the last living descendent of Jesus Christ. Oh, wow...oh my gosh...I'm putting my hands on my forehead while hyperventilating. Not.

I had seen Leonardo da Vinci's painting The Last Supper many times and always knew there was a woman on it. Therefore, I'm supposed to be taken back by the revelation in the film? Uh, okay. By the way, "da Vinci" isn't a surname but the name of a town the painter hailed from.

The story about Mary Magdalene isn't new, having been covered in an 1982 fiction book called The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail. In fact, Dan Brown, the author of The Da Vinci Code, was unsuccessfully sued for plagiarism, but the high number of similarities are still unmistakable.

Despite the popular belief, Isaac Newton, as I'm familiar with his mathematics achievements, didn't invent calculus. He's also famous for the apocryphal story involving an apple. Hence, I was thinking of that word for the cryptex. Of course, it turned out to be correct. That's zero suspense right there, but it took so long for the movie to get around unlocking the damn thing.

The trouble with director Ron Howard is that he has no vision. Steven Spielberg in his prime would have done a better job. Hell, he made Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, both having been there first before The Da Vinci Code ever showed up. It's the same plot structure. Some well-known locations are faked because the filmmakers were initially refused permission to shoot there so they had to do a workaround by constructing their own.

Now, what's with Tom Hanks' hair? It looks like a dead animal that's attached to his scalp. I remember seeing it during the late 90's or so when he was trying to imitate Pulp Fiction's Vincent Vega's look. Copying off Richard Burton or Nicolas Cage may not be out of question, too. Anyway, Tom Hanks sleepwalks through the role of Robert Langdon and is more of a listener than anything.

With the exception of Ian McKellen who gives an above average performance, the rest of the cast isn't better. Even Alfred Molina is in this, the same guy who was there during the introduction of Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Talk about redundancy. Paul Bettany is too weird; they should have gotten a real albino.

The success of The Da Vinci Code is contingent on whether or not I believe in Christianity. Well, I know for a fact the real Jesus Christ never existed. There goes the whole shebang. Here's the thing: I'm interested when it comes to him having been documented around the year of 0. The problem is that the Romans kept extensive records on everybody but there's been nothing on Jesus Christ.

Some while ago, somebody examined 126 historical texts that were published from the first to third centuries and therefore found little to no mention of Jesus Christ which is surprising given how famous he is today. The only reason why the fledging religion Christianity survived is that, after a few centuries, the Romans decided to adopt it as state religion solely for political purposes, not faith. Today, I consider all religions to be nothing but the greatest fraud ever perpetuated on mankind. Why? It's about making a shitload of money and welding power over people.

When the authors finally started to document Jesus' life, it happened more than forty years after his death, and the written accounts were based on what the people supposedly remembered about him. Currently, there are no extant originals but copies of copies of copies of what they wrote. Hence, the bible has been re-edited so many times with a lot of stuff added afterwards, hence the rise of over 40,000 denominations with each having a different interpretation of Christianity. The fallacy is the first unaltered copy was supposed to be the true word of God, no matter what. Coming from the lower class, the early followers of Christianity were, for the most part, uneducated, unskilled, and illiterate. Now, recall the painting by da Vinci which was done during the late 15th century. How would he know what happened 2,000 years ago? All religious artworks are like that as well.

All in all, thanks to the extensive marketing campaign, The Da Vinci Code got overhyped to death, and millions of suckers bought into it.