On T List of Movie Reviews

(For optimum viewing, adjust the zoom level of your browser to 125%.)


Top Gun: Maverick (2022)

Rate: 6
Viewed: 2/24

TopGM
2/24: I had zero interest in Top Gun: Maverick, but somebody told me recently to check it out.

What I saw is a complete remake of the original. Many scenes are cringeworthy, especially the homoerotic scene of a football game that's substituted for the volleyball match with two guys bumping their naked chests against each other while the shining golden sun is perfectly in position and never goes down. What a beautiful moment...should I cry right now?

Clearly, everybody tries too hard. Goose's son's call sign is *drum roll* Rooster. Give me a minute here, so I can laugh. At least, the famous words hadn't been uttered: "I feel the need...the need for speed!" Then, we have the mother of them all: Tom Cruise. Excuse me, how old is he now? I looked it up, and it turns out he's 61. That's why I want to tell him: you're embarrassing yourself.

Tom Cruise isn't what I would describe "real" anymore. He's plastic. Everything about him has to be perfect. His face is so old-looking that it resembles a dried prune. Look at his hair. There isn't a single strand of gray hair on it. Is the film telling me Pete "Maverick" Mitchell spends a lot of money on himself including his teeth?

No, I didn't want to see Val Kilmer. Only able to type simple sentences, he looks ridiculous playing an admiral on duty who's about to die. The cast sucks. It's a bunch of nobodies save for Ed Harris. Jennifer Connelly is out of place and therefore doesn't belong in Top Gun anything. What the heck happened to Kelly McGillis' character? The actress admitted to being too old and fat to come back. Okay, fair enough. Forget Meg Ryan; she has the face of Joker.

When the mission was being explained, Star Wars immediately came to my mind. Is that how they ripped it off: go through the canyon and then bomb away into a small hole? It doesn't make sense to me anyway. Maverick is obsessed with making sure that nobody dies. Yeah, so why not get a drone to do the work instead? Actually, given the battleship fired missiles on the runway, how about doing the same thing to the target objective instead of sending the planes? By the way, what country are they attacking? It has to be either China or Russia. Afterwards, the United States can expect an immediate war from them in a unified effort.

I previously said in my review of Top Gun that the training school had been "relocated in 1996 from Naval Air Station Miramar in San Diego to Naval Air Station Fallon which is near Fallon, Nevada." Imagine my surprise that they're back there again. Yeah, Maverick is allowed to ride his motorcycle through the checkpoint entrance so quickly without having to stop. Some military security. Damn, the bartender has the same exact house by the beach in San Diego from the original. This means she must be a multi-millionaire, yes?

All in all, Top Gun: Maverick is a certified cash cow by selling nostalgia and picture perfect imagery on top of the military masturbation and jingoism.