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Universal Soldier (1992)

Rate: 2
Viewed: 7/12

UniS
7/12: Only if Dolph's performance could be expanded to a 90-minute solo, I think we'll have a winner in Universal Stupid.

The supermarket insanity is arguably the funniest thing I've seen out of Dolph other than Rocky IV. In Universal Stupid, his character cuts ears and makes necklaces out of them, screams racial epithets about the Vietnamese, and reminds everybody of his real name which is, mind you, Andrew Scott.

On the other hand, Jean-Claude Van Damme sleepwalks through his role, eats a dozen of dishes in one sitting, and shows no emotion. Being used to his Belgian charisma, I find it a dreadful bore. Who in his right mind said it was a good idea to involve Ally Walker? And why? She does nothing for the film. Intelligence is routinely abused throughout, too. So, let me enumerate some only to give up on the list due to the feebleness of trying:

1. Notice how the reporter made her way to the center of the military base. That'll never happen because it's the most heavily guarded location there is.

2. Soldiers need to be cooled down, or they'll go bust. I wonder what the duration is for between because the two principal characters went too long while being engaged in heavy-duty work.

3. Inside the trunk of three cars at the desolate gas station, they are packed with bags of ice. I understand one...but two...and three? Why?

4. Remember when Van Damme's character ordered the handcuffed woman to jump off the bus. Yeah, it's probably moving at 60 to 70 miles per hour, and her body, at that moment, will be going at the same speed as soon as she's in the air. Afterwards, there's not a single scratch on her, let alone a multitude of broken bones.

5. Luc is reunited with his parents in Louisiana, yet they hardly show any feelings for him. I guess human emotion is overrated in cinema.

6. The two soldiers serve in the U.S. Special Forces, but one is Swedish and the other is Belgian.

7. When Dolph is throwing grenades into the bus, they don't explode for another thirty seconds unless tossed out. Then, when Dolph throws them by the side, they explode right away.

8. As Dolph and Van Damme are fighting for the last (steroid?) injection shot, I thought it would've been priceless to see Arnold and Sylvester doing the same thing instead.

I can go on and on, but what's the point? Anyway, looking up Universal Stupid on the internet, I cannot believe the franchise managed to produce five...six sequels. Is it really that popular?

All in all, Universal Stupid is beneath Jean-Claude Van Damme's and Dolph Lundgren's lackadaisical talents.